Archives for August 2011

Protected: Just when I thought it was over…

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Protected: I kinda got what was coming to me.

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Protected: O.M.G.

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Protected: The Proposal

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My Secret Life addiction…

So last night I was looking for something to watch on my Netflix instant stream. I ended up watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager. I don’t know why because it’s truly the worst show ever, but I’m strangely addicted to it, terrible acting and crazy plot line and all. Oh? What’s that? You haven’t ever seen The Secret Life of the American Teenager? Well then! Let me just give you the run down, at least to how far I’ve gotten which is somewhere in season 3…or 4. I’ve somehow forgotten and ceased to care what season I’m actually in. I just keep clicking the “next” button.

High school freshman band geek Amy gets pregnant at band camp .(Seriously? BAND CAMP? Ever seen America Pie? What is it with these sexual experiences at band camp!?)

So yeah, she gets pregnant at band camp the summer before freshman year the night that she loses her virginity to the popular and overly sexually active Ricky. She comes out with her pregnancy which is devastating to her perfect family, who turns out to be not so perfect considering her father is having an affair with the flight attendant mom of one of her school mates, Adrian, who is a super slut.

Then a pregnant Amy takes up with a geeky virgin Ben the Rich Kid, son to the Sausage King. (What?) Ben the Rich Kid falls for pregnant teenage Amy asking her to marry him, nevermind they are like 14. Amy declines the marriage and tells the man whore Ricky that she’s pregnant and then there’s a bunch of whining and drama and Amy pops out the kid.

Then Amy’s mom (Molly Ringwald) turns up pregnant just after the baby (John) is born. Amy’s mom isn’t real sure who the dad is, she’s seeing her boss but she also had a random hook up with her soon to be ex husband. But what a minute! The soon to be ex husband had a vasectomy! So it must be the baby of the boss right? Except that the soon to be ex husband lied about his vasectomy. MUAHAHAHA. Of course he doesn’t admit that. Did I also mention that Amy’s dad (the vasectomy liar) also bought the house next door to Amy and her mom after he was kicked out and is now living it with the other daughter, Ashley? Yeah guess I skipped that part.

So anyway, back to teenage mom Amy who is now working and going to school and trying to find a way to juggle baby daddy Ricky and boyfriend Ben, boyfriend Ben that is starting to whine “When are you going to have sex with meeeeeeeeeeee?” Oh I don’t know asshole. I just got knocked up at 14. I think I’ll never have sex again. ARE YOU KIDDING ME , BEN? Then Ben decides he is going to go to Balogna, Italy for the summer. And everyone is all like “Oh My God. Do you know what Balogna is KNOWN for?” I totally don’t know what it’s known for but whatever. I’m gonna take a wild guess and say it has something to do with promiscuous sex since Ben is all whiny about losing his virginity. Amy decides she is going to go with him to Italy and leave the baby with the parents. (Seriously?) But then Ben is pretty obvious about the fact that he doesn’t want her to come and then Amy finds out she will have to participate in summer school to make up all the classwork she missed while birthing a child. So no Italy plans for her.

Back to the parents: Amy’s mom is still all pregnant and thinking it’s her boss’s even though he’s super infertile and tried to get pregnant with his first wife and couldn’t. (Um, hello Molly Ringwald? START QUESTIONING YOUR PREGNANCY.)

Meanwhile, pretty much everyone else knows that Amy’s dad lied about the vasectomy and no one is telling the ex wife. And instead of HIM telling her, he decides to get an RV and take daughter Ashley on an across the country vacation for the summer.

And that’s my run down. Except that I’ve totally skipped over the other characters like crazy Christian Grace who’s like “I’m never going to have sex ever! Or at least not til I’m married. Or at least not until I’m done with medical school.” Except that she does have sex with her boyfriend the same night that her father dies in a plane crash and then she’s like “OMG my premarital sex killed my dad!” That’s where I am at in the series. I have this to ask myself: Why in the hell am I still watching this show? On the other hand, I have this to ask you: Are you addicted yet?

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Protected: Confessions.

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