Archives for September 2011

Protected: My first night as a “free” woman.

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I lead a fancy, fancy life.

The other day Bella and I went to visit my parents and I was reminded of why we do not have any pets besides our beloved Kitty.

Just as Bella and I came through the kitchen door, my mom greeted us, towel in hand. “Forrest is throwing up,” she said. Forrest is my mom’s terrier mix. (And he’s only one member of her collection of animals.) I’m not real sure what his actual breed is, nor are we very sure how old he is. First of all, I’ve pretty much lost track of how long my mom has had him. Secondly, I don’t know how old he was when she stole found him on the side of the road and brought him home.

Anyway, sure enough, along came Forrest just after my mom had announced his puking, and he was all :::::WAG TAIL, WAG TAIL, JUMP JUMP, LICK, PROJECTILE VOMIT:::::::

Ew. The whole time we were there my mom was following him around with that towel, cleaning up his barf. I was afraid that at any moment he was just gonna turn his head and do it in my lap.

Props to all you folks that have numerous animals. I just can’t handle it. I already have to clean up after my toddler who pukes and poops and pees and hides her snacks and treats in all sorts of strange places so she can save them for later. Seriously. Sometimes I catch her snacking on something and I pry her little hands open and I’m like “Where did you get that Goldfish cracker? Mommy hasn’t bought goldfish crackers in weeks. In fact, Mommy threw out all the Goldfish crackers after you puked them up in the back seat of the car. Mommy had to scrub that orange shit out of everything. Mommy never wants to see a Goldfish cracker again.”

Also, I kept catching a whiff of a dirty diaper in the house the other day. I emptied all the trash cans and lit candles and sprayed some Glade air freshener everywhere. I could still smell it. It was like the lingering mystery poo. I never found anything and the smell just went away on its own.

To close, I guess my point is that Bella isn’t getting a puppy any time soon. Or any other animal for that matter. Not until she is potty trained and in control of her bodily functions. Mommy is tired of cleaning up after everybody.

 

 

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Protected: The escape.

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Protected: It begins. Again.

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