Archives for December 2011

Something I would like to see less of in 2012

Every time I see a girl post a picture of herself on the internet doing that weird kissy duck face thing to the camera, all I can think of is this:

Blue Steel, baby.

 

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This is not a typical post for me.

Get ready ya’ll, cause this is gonna be cheesy.

I was going to write this in a Facebook status update, but it just got too long, so thats why I am here.

I am sitting at home tonight, waiting on my husband to get home from work. I am packing up my car with gifts for family festivities tomorrow and finishing up my baking. My parents and my sister and her adorable new puppy came over this evening for a pre- Christmas dinner. It wasn’t anything fancy but it was nice to have a sit down dinner since we rarely do it nowadays. Bella loved the puppy and for a few minutes I was like CRAP I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN HER A PUPPY FOR CHRISTMAS. Then I came to my senses.

As I sit here thinking over the past year, I have a lot to be grateful for and I just wanted to express that. I am grateful for my husband and to be celebrating our first Christmas as a married couple. I am so thankful to have met him and for our life together. I am grateful for my sweet Bella who lights up my life. I never knew that motherhood could be so magical and I look forward to every day. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for my parents who have always supported me. I am thankful for their help planning our wedding this year. I am grateful for my job and the wonderful people I work with. I can’t express enough gratitude for my job right now. I came to them from another job in which I was stressed out and miserable. I am thankful for the opportunities and friendships I have been offered over the past year and a half. I truly cannot imagine being anywhere else. I am grateful for my friends for the support and humor they offer me on a daily basis. I am thankful for my best friend who I cannot imagine my life without. She is strong and brilliant and beautiful and inspires me every day. I couldn’t get through a day without our random text messages. I guess, overall, I am grateful for my life and all those who contribute to my happiness on a daily basis. Now I will close with a Merry Christmas everyone! I hope it’s happy.

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This is totally my kid.

 

For some reason my child has emptied out our fruit bowl and has hidden it’s contents all over the house. We’ve found most of the it, except one mystery avocado. Jesus says she is preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse, just in case Jesus and I get killed off and she has to fend for herself. This makes perfect sense. This is something I would do. This is something I AM DOING at this very moment in my garage. Why would my child not be doing the same?

 

 

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Pick up lines 101.

Sometimes when I pull up to a red light I get this feeling of dread. You see, for years and on a pretty regular basis there will be some pesky guy stopped next to me that will try to get my attention, wanting me to roll down my window. I’ve fallen victim to it a few times thinking they need directions or something, but alas, no, they always say something like “Hey whats your name?” or “Hey sweetie,” or “Can I get your number?” Some people may see this as flattering. I don’t. Maybe one day that will change when I am old and grey. Maybe then I’ll be like, hey, where are all those dudes at that used to hit on me?!

But for now, it’s just really annoying. Nowadays, I don’t fall for their “Hey roll down your window” tricks. I just ignore them or turn my music up or when I’m in a bad mood: shake my head at them, yell at them, or flip them off. It helps when I have Bella in the car. I don’t get harassed very often when she is in the backseat but it still happens on occasion. As a matter of fact it happened this past weekend while we were out Christmas shopping. We were sitting in traffic over by the mall when I could see the guy in the car next to me trying to get my attention. I glanced at him briefly and he mouthed “Can I call you?” while pointing at his cell phone. I didn’t roll my window down but instead rolled my eyes. It was about that time that I heard an excited “Hi!” from the back seat. I turned and looked at Bella who was smiling and waving to the fellow trying to hit on mommy. I turned and looked back at the guy who gave me an “Oops, I’m sorry,” nod and started messing with his radio.

I don’t mean to say that guys shouldn’t be interested in women with children. I mean, with the divorce rate being what it is in America at the moment, how are they supposed to know if I am married or involved or what not? But let me say this: even if I were a single gal, I would not be open to any advances that a fellow makes FROM HIS VEHICLE while my kid is in the back seat. I have never, ever, even when I was single, accepted any kind of communication that is shouted at me from a car window. If you have been receptive to this type of behavior, I suggest you raise your standards.

This also got me thinking about some other not-so-glamorous times that I was hit on.

1. I once ordered a pizza to be delivered to my apartment a few years ago. The driver got lost and called me for directions. He finally arrived and served me my pizza. Later than evening he sent me a text that said “I would deliver pizza to you any time!” I didn’t say anything back because that was way creepy. The next night I received another text from the same number that said “What? No pizza tonight?” I never ordered pizza from that place again

2. Once I went to Florida with my sorority sisters for spring break. We had a server one night at Joe’s Crab Shack who we all noticed because we agreed he looked like one of our friend’s boyfriends, but it’s not like I struck up a conversation with the guy. Later that night he showed up at a club we were at and he walked right up to me and was like “Hey I noticed you at Joe’s Crab Shack.” We talked a bit and I gave him my number simply because we were going to be in town for a week and he was a local. I never saw him again but he proceeded to call and text me for the next few months after I had returned to Tennessee and was no longer on “spring break”. He kept inviting me back to Florida and I just stopped responding to him. A year later some of my friends returned to Florida and wound up at the same club I had run into him at. He saw them and spoke with them briefly and I guess that got him thinking about me because he started texting me again. It lasted a few weeks even though I hardly replied. I never knew this guy’s name. His name in my phone was “Joe’s Crab Shack.”

3. One time I stopped at a gas station before going to one of my early morning college classes. I went in to grab a Red Bull and when I got to the counter this weirdo stepped forward and was like, “I’m gonna buy you that beer,” and I was totally like “It’s not a beer, it’s an energy drink. It’s 8:30 in the morning.” I let him buy it anyway because hey whatever, if you’re gonna offer and make me feel all uncomfortable, I’m just gonna take you up on it. This was a really bad judgement call because then he followed me to my car and watched me pump my gas and tried to get my phone number. I was so flustered and in a hurry to get the hell away from him I forgot to replace my gas cap and drove off with it sitting on top of my car and had to buy another one. Fail.

4. When I was still serving tables I used to have a regular that would come in and ask for my section. He would tell me that he “wanted to take my picture” and that I “had a really beautiful neck”. Then he would give me this crumpled up dirty business card.   (By dirty I mean that they were always covered in actual dirt, not dirty as in he was a pornographic photographer. But hey! You never know!) I don’t remember what the card actually said but it was pretty pathetic. Think: “Billy Bob’s Photography! I take pictures! Please Call!” I eventually ended up pawning him off on another server because I just couldn’t take it anymore.

5. When I was about 7 months pregnant I was helping a customer at the cell phone company I was working for. When I was done ringing him up he was like “So, what are you doing tonight? You want to hang out?” I was like, “Um, I’m 7 months pregnant.” Then he said, “I don’t mind if you don’t.”

Uhhhhhh……

Let me just say…..I don’t ever want to be single again. Ever.

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Protected: Wait a minute…who’s Yorkie is that?

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And then I stabbed my coffee creamer.

I’m not a morning person. Yeah, yeah, a lot of people say that. Seriously though, I am NOT a morning person. If I did not have to get up early for my child and for work I would so not do it. I have pretty much been this way my entire life. It does not matter when I go to bed. I never, ever wake up feeling refreshed or alert. I feel like a zombie, like I’m dragging a whole bunch of dead weight. I run into things. I stumble. I can’t see well. I can’t speak. Tired of my whining yet? Let’s get to the point. Where do I head first thing in the morning after dragging my zombie self out of bed? The coffee pot. I’m super excited that we now have a Keurig because it’s really fast. I just press a button and ZAP. It brews my one cup. Need another one? ZAP again.

ALL THE COFFEE FOR ME FOREVER.

I still have a little, tiny problem every once in a while though: my creamer. See, I usually buy International Delight or Coffee Mate. I actually prefer International Delight because it’s typically a little cheaper and lately they’ve come out with some fun flavors like caramel macchiato but theres one flaw. While Coffee Mate has this awesome little plastic pull tab you have to pull off the first time you use it, International Delight has this little piece of crappy foil. I HATE THE FOIL. I can’t get a grip on it. I end up trying to use my nails. I break a nail. I’m able to finally get a hold of it but then I only  rip off a tiny little itty bitty piece of foil, still prohibiting me from accessing my creamer goodness. I usually end up grabbing a knife and stabbing it repeatedly. The whole process kind of turns into a blur for me because I go into such a state of rage: stabbing, ripping at foil, spilling creamer everywhere. I imagine that I look a little like this:

 

Ahhhhh yes. This is going to be an excellent day.

Screw a bunch of International Delight.

<<<<<This drawing came from the blog of Allie Brosh who writes Hyperbole and a Half, which is one of the funniest blogs I have ever read.>>>>>

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Why it takes me all day to get out of the house.

During the week Jesus stays home with Bella while I work but the weekend days are all me. There are usually things I need to do on the weekends…errands to run, functions to go to, family or friends to see, all of which almost never gets done. I never end up doing half the things I plan to do because it takes me forever to get out of the house. Some people don’t understand this. So let me just do a quick run through of our weekend mornings:

8 AM Jesus goes to work and Bella gets up. Time to change her diaper.

“No, Bella. Hold still. Stop touching you privates. Give me back that dirty diaper. Come back here, we still have to put your pants back on.”

8:15 AM Time for breakfast.

SCREAMING.

“Hang on a second. Mommy is making your <eggs, oatmeal, whatever> it will be ready in a second. Here, have some Cheerios.”

Bella wanders off with cup of Cheerios. Quiet for a few minutes. Suspiciously quiet. Leave stove unattended to find child. Find child in bathroom, tossing Cheerios in toilet. Tell child no, bring her back to kitchen. Screaming resumes.

Child climbs on top of kitchen table while I am putting food on plate. Remove child from table, put in high chair. Give her food.

“No, Bella. Stop putting oatmeal in your hair. No, Bella. Stop throwing your banana on the floor.”

Clean up banana. Remove child from high chair and put in bath tub to remove oatmeal from hair.

Child screams when having hair washed.

Remove child from tub. Dry child with towel. Child pees on floor. Put child back in tub. Wash off urine. Remove child from tub again. Pray she doesn’t pee on herself.

9 AM Attempt to dress child.

“No. Hold still.”

“No. You are not stuck. Push your arm through the arm hole.”

“Stop pulling off your socks.”

9:15 AM Let child watch tv while I try to get ready.

9:18 AM Child loses interest in Dora the Explorer/Yo Gabba Gabba/ Backyardigans and joins me in bathroom.

“No. Give mommy back her makeup.”

“No. Mommy’s hair brush does not belong in the toilet.”

“Where are your socks?”

“NO. Mommy’s makeup.”

9:30 AM Child gets blush all over her shirt. Leave bathroom, take child to bedroom. Change shirt. Return to bathroom. Move all makeup out of child’s reach. Screaming resumes. Give up on getting ready. Take child to living room. Play.

“No, Bella. Stop trying to stand on top of your activity table.”

“Stop pulling Kitty’s tail.”

“Get off the coffee table.”

“Stop beating the Christmas tree with that pillow.”

10 AM Return to bathroom, resume getting ready process.

“NO. THAT’S MOMMY’S MAKEUP.”

“DON’T PUT YOUR SOCKS IN THE BATHTUB.”

“DON’T PUT KITTY IN THE BATHTUB EITHER.”

“NOTHING GOES IN THE BATHTUB!”

Give up. Let child put all the things in the bathtub.

10:30 Hair and makeup done. Sort of. Pull child and all her  stuff from bathtub.

Try to find clothes for mommy. Child follows mommy to closet. Child tries on various pairs of mommy’s shoes. Walks out of closet with them on. Returns with no shoes. Takes another pair.

10:45 AM Mommy emerges from closet. Starts picking up her shoes that are all over the house. Also attempts to pick up toys that are everywhere. Child does not like it, wants to play. Play time again. Read a book. Play with toy airplane. Push child around on ride on toy.

11:15 AM Child is hungry. Feed child snack. Yogurt. Gets yogurt on shirt. Change child’s shirt. And diaper.

11:20 AM “WHERE ARE YOUR SOCKS?”

Find socks. Put on child’s shoes. Check child’s diaper bag. Stock with snacks and juice cup. Child sees juice cup, wants juice. Put one juice cup in bag, give second juice cup to child.

“WHERE IS YOUR LEFT SHOE?”

Search for shoe. Find shoe. Put missing shoe on child. Grab diaper bag. Grab purse. Start moving child towards door. Child wants to bring favorite stuffed moose, Dora the Explorer doll, toy teapot, her Easter basket and blankie. Tell child no. Blankie and ONE toy.

SCREAMING.

“FINE. BRING ALL THE TOYS.”

Child cannot possibly carry all that crap. Drops half of it as she is walking out the door. Win.

11:45 AM Get child strapped in car seat. Child rubbing eyes and yawning.

Crap. Nap time.

This is where I have to make a decision. Do I proceed with a tired toddler or not? Usually I opt not to. She becomes a terror if she only gets a 15 minute nap in the car. So this means….remove child from car.

Remove shoes.

12 PM Put child down for nap.

Child sleeps. Mommy spends next 2 hours putting up toys. Making bed. Loading dishwasher. Folding laundry. (OR napping and getting drunk. Just kidding. Sort of. Okay, okay, I’m totally kidding. Correction: spend day wishing I WAS napping and having an adult beverage. Better?)

2 PM Child wakes. Change diaper. Child wants snack. Feed snack. Remember to REMOVE child’s shirt first before eating.

Child eats. Put shirt back on. Put shoes on. Carry child to car without giving them an opportunity to grab any toys to take with them. Strap child in car seat.

2:30 FINALLY LEAVE HOUSE.

 

This is not an exaggeration. I really do have days where I do not get out of the house until 2 or 3 PM. To get out earlier, which I frequently do, requires this: not washing kid if she puts oatmeal, banana, or eggs in her hair. Just wipe head with baby wipe.

I hardly get ready, myself. Brush hair once, don’t bother with makeup. Wear sweat pants.

Skip excessive playtime. “Yes! Dora! Yay! Now put your shoes on.”

If kid gets clothes dirty, whatever, just let her wear them.

Skip nap if kid is tired when they get in the car. Just let them sleep in the car. Deal with the cranky.

 

 

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