Archives for July 2012

Kitty parenting fail

Friday night Bella had spaghetti for dinner. Her kitten, Waldo sat next to her while she ate, looking at her like, “PLEASE OH PLEASE GIVE ME SOME.” She finally looked at him and reached over and a wiped her sauce covered hand all over his white head. I didn’t feel like cleaning him he wouldn’t let me clean it off so I was like, whatever, he can clean it off himself I’ll clean it off later.

I forgot about it.

I didn’t pay much attention to him yesterday. He hid from Bella all morning and we were out of the house in the afternoon and I came home exhausted and hid in my bedroom with a book. And wine.  Anyway, I glanced at him this morning and was like, “OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, HE’S BLEEDING EVERYWHERE.” But it wasn’t blood. It was crusty red tomato sauce. So then I had to bathe him in the bathroom sink this morning. He loved it and it was wonderful, by which I mean, it was full of shrieking and horror and scratching and nightmares. This time there WAS blood. My blood.

I can’t find him at the moment. I’m pretty sure he’s under a bed somewhere slitting his wrists which is really kind of aggravating because I wanted to blow dry him a little, you know, to make him “fluffy.”

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Gas station day care.

SO this isn’t going to be a post about gun control or Chick Fil A or Obamacare or even about Kristen Stewart cheating on Robert Pattinson (K STEW AND ROB PAT!) That’s because I’m just kind of tired about hearing about all of it right now and sometimes I just need a minute to be like, OH LOOK SOMETHING SHINY. I think we all do.

So, this is my OH LOOK SOMETHING SHINY moment, except it’s not shiny. It’s not shiny at all, but this thing always distracts me. It’s an old gas station, and this whole thing will probably only be relevant to folks reading this blog that know me and know the area I live in. This is a question for you: Who knows about that creepy Angel Care Day Care that was around for a few years? The one that was in an old Golden Gallon? Here’s a (really crappy) photo I took from my car today:

Looks lovely

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I remember going to this gas station in the late 80’s, early 90’s. My dad used to take me there after preschool/school and get me an ice cream bar. It closed down somewhere in the 90’s and was empty for years and then these people bought it and set up what was, in my opinion, THE CREEPIEST DAY CARE EVER. Seriously, I didn’t have kids at the time but I remember looking at it and thinking, “I would rather leave my kid to be watched by dogs. Maybe rabid dogs.”

They used to have this short bus in the parking lot with “Reading Bus” written on the side of it in like, spray paint or something.  It never went anywhere, it just sat outside the building and as far as I could tell, it was full of garbage. Please….don’t tell me that they were sending children out to sit in the immobile bus full of garbage. I didn’t GET IT. They also had a cross in a little patch of grass that was strung with twinkle lights. I drove by it today on my way to my parents, I don’t think it’s a day care anymore. I think people that bought it are just living in there, or someone is- in what was a gas station in the 80’s and later became a creepy day care. I really don’t understand this. I want to meet these people. I think they probably need a reality show.

That’s all I’ve really got for tonight. Oh. Except when I got to my mom’s I noticed this thing:

 

……I don’t know

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I probably need to start a series called “Sh*t at my mom’s house.”

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I made a Vlog

And it says absolutely nothing important. I spend most of the video messing around on my iPhone. Doesn’t that sound awesome? I suck at YouTube.

 

Find me here. And if you actually like it, please say so. Cause I’ll probably never do this again. 

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I grow weeds.

So I wish I had a green thumb but I totally don’t. I kill all the plants. My mom gave me some potted pansies we used at our wedding last year and I’ve managed to keep them alive until about a month ago when we got 100+ temperatures and a drought. I was pretty much ready to throw in the towel and write the plant off as dead but today it started sprouting leaves. Jesus looked at it and was like “Can I throw this out now?” And I was like “No! I cured it! It’s growing again! IT IS RESURRECTED” He looked at the plant and then at me and said, “Honey, these are weeds. You’re growing weeds.” Yeah. I didn’t realize that. I’m not sure I even know what a weed looks like. But I touched the leaves and they were prickly and pokey. I don’t think my pansies made me bleed before now….

I’m still protesting him throwing them out. If weeds is all I can grow, well then so be it. I will have a glorious weed garden and I will decorate it with garden gnomes because I am full of classy.

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Rafting Adventures.

Well today my mom, dad and sister, Amy and I decided to go down the Hiwassee River. We had actually been planning to go all week and when it came down to today we realized it was pretty cloudy with a chance of rain (this morning it was a 30% chance) but we decided to go anyway. (30 percent? Pshhhhh! That’s nothing!)

It was pretty much the worst decision ever. Amy and I grew up spending summers on campgrounds and going down the river in canoes or rafts. We aren’t Olympic paddlers by any means but this wasn’t our first rodeo. In recent years we only do it maybe a couple of times a summer. It’s almost always an experience but today’s adventure falls into a whole new category.

Everything started out okay, Amy’s contacts were bothering her and her eyes were itching but that was about it. The raft rental places weren’t too crowded and we didn’t have much of a wait. It was a little cloudy but mostly sunny and still quite warm.

Here we are getting ready to go pick up our raft. I’m sitting in my dad’s canoe. Notice how excited Amy looks. She must know whats ahead.

 

This is where you load into the water.

 

Amy and I arriving with the raft we rented. The place you rent from brings you and raft by bus. I really look far too excited for what is about to happen to me.

 

Oh by the way. We arrived via “HO” bus.

 

Here were are with our raft about to embark on our journey.

 

On the water. Things still going okay.

 

Some other people on the river about to experience misery with us.

 

We are stuck.

 

Right here, Amy and I are lodged on a large rock and our raft won’t budge. A situation similar to this would continue to happen ABOUT 20 MORE TIMES. Maybe more. I don’t know what was going on. Maybe we were off our game, maybe the water was lower than usual, maybe all the powers that be were OUT TO KILL US. I don’t know. This has never happened to us before. When you get stuck on a rock, you can try and bounce your way off or try to push off with one of your paddles. If that doesn’t work, one of you is going to have to get out and try and move the raft. We had to get out almost every time, resulting in the next fiasco:

 

This is Amy being towed back to me where I am stranded on an island.

 

I don’t have any pictures of what happened that caused me to become stranded on an island because I’m pretty sure my parents weren’t taking pictures because they thought I was about to drown and die. In the midst of rapids, Amy and I got stuck again. I got out to try and get us free and immediately got swept away by the current and was slammed into various rocks. The raft that Amy was in alone at this point became free because my body slamming into it knocked it loose and she was swept off downstream. I was left to be assisted by a family in another raft that helped me get to an island. My parents were already on this island because they were taking a break or watching to make sure Amy and I didn’t kill ourselves. I’m not sure which. Anyway, when I got to the island I was like “MOMMY!”

My right leg is all red and scraped from rocks and I’m waiting on it to bruise.

Meanwhile, Amy was trying desperately to paddle herself back to where I was. Paddling against the current is really difficult so these two experienced kayakers assisted and pretty much towed her to the island. I’m sure they were thinking, “Who turned these two dumbasses loose on the river?”

 

Another shot of Amy being towed to my aid.

 

Right after I hopped off my island and back into the raft.

 

After this we got stuck about 10 more times. At least I didn’t get swept away again. That’s because I refused to get out of the raft and made Amy do it. Then this happened:

Aw hell.

 

And this is where the photos end, because this is when the rain started. It was like a freaking monsoon. I have never in my life been caught outdoors in rain like this. We’ve been rained on while on the river but never anything this bad. It was coming down so hard and so fierce it hurt when it hit you and there was SO MUCH of it. There was so much we couldn’t see where we were going. We would have pulled off onto land and waited it out, but we were rafting down the left hand side of the river where the only land is a steep embankment leading to the railroad tracks. There was no way we could paddle our way over to the right side of the river because we couldn’t see anything. Amy was already having trouble with her contacts and her eyes had been itching and she could hardly open them in the rain. So she just sat at the front of the raft paddling with her eyes closed in kind of stupor that I would call “on the verge of a panic attack.” Meanwhile, I was screaming profanities and saying “STOP THIS RIDE I WANT TO GET OFF!” and “WE ARE GOING TO DIE. WE ARE GOING TO DIE ON THIS RIVER.” Which I think was super helpful. Amy said, “I don’t think I will ever be warm or dry or happy ever again.”

Not only was the rain coming down so hard that you couldn’t see, but the rain was warm and the water was cold so this steam started to rise off of the river and surrounded us which made it ALL THAT MUCH MORE AWESOME. Oh wait. I forgot to mention the crashing thunder and the terrifying lightening. THAT just gave this excursion extra super fantastic bonus points.

I started viciously paddling so hard my arms were burning. I was grunting and beating that river like it could feel pain. The rapids were more wild than usual because of the influx of water and we kept spinning in circles. And then, OF COURSE we got lodged on a few more rocks and I had to get out and try and set us free and I was freaking terrified the raft was going to shoot off without me again and I was going to be swept away into the ice cold water and no one would be able to find me because no one could see anything and I would die, either by drowning or hypothermia.

The storm only went on for about 15 minutes but it felt like an eternity. Then it let up and we still had another half an hour of paddling left to do until we were done.

We finally got to the end and I have never been so glad to see land in all my life. We emerged sopping wet and freaked out and vowing never to come back. Of course, we probably will. But I’m going to need some major recovery time.

Last time we went down the river some pretty hilarious things happened but I couldn’t really write a blog about it because it was mainly about encountering some inbred mountain folk and if I went into specifics it would probably be quite politically incorrect. So I didn’t. So this time I was all, “I hope something interesting happens that I can actually write about!”

I will never, EVER, EVER say those words again as long as I live.

 

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Let’s talk about 50 Shades of Grey casting.

I don’t think it’s any big secret that I read 50 Shades of Grey and wasn’t impressed. At times I was downright angry at the book and had to put it down for about a week before I picked it up and actually finished it. Toward the end I found myself skipping the sex scenes like “Ugh. No. Not again.”  But I finished it. I’m not offended by anyone that really enjoyed it or anything, it just wasn’t my cup of tea but I respected it for being different, despite the simple and repetitive writing.

Anyway, I hear a movie is in the works even if in the very, very early stages. Universal Pictures and Focus Features have secured the rights to the trilogy. I have two things to say about this:

1. They better get someone to write an exceptional screenplay adaptation that actually gives the characters some interesting dialogue because  at this point, I’m kind of at a loss on how you would turn the book into a movie. Bret Easton Ellis, the author of American Psycho, has expressed interest on taking on this task. This kind of weirds me out because I think he might make it uber dark. If you saw or read American Psycho you know what I’m talking about. However, despite American Psycho’s dark and disturbing plot, I think it was brilliant and limit pushing, so overall, I would have to say, have at it Ellis.

2. If they’re going to do it, they better cast it right. Christian Grey is going to have to be a fine, fine male specimen and Ana needs to be beautiful and innocent in appearance with a believable alter ego that she experiences during her sexual awakening- what she calls her “Inner Goddess”.

I started poking around on the internets to see what celebrities had expressed interest in the roles and what the fan picks were. There was one name that popped out that made me ridiculously excited.

Ian Somerhalder.

 

Hold on. Give me a minute. Let me scrape myself off the floor.

Okay I’m back.

Don’t know who he is? Oh. You must not be a teenage girl that watches The Vampire Diaries. I’m not a teenager but I have a creepy obsession with this show. Oh, yeah, sure I pretty much read or watch anything that has to do with vampires. But lately, I’m only watching because of this guy.

Plus, in The Vampire Diaries, he totally plays the role of the older (like, way older, he’s a 180 year old vampire) dark tortured soul that seduces the young girl. And BOY HOWDY (did I really just say that?) is he good at it.

Let’s just take a gander shall we? Here is a scene from last season’s Vampire Diaries when Ian’s character, Damon, finally gets the girl he has been lusting after, the young Elena, who has been dating his brother since the series began. I have been TEAM DAMON all along so this scene was the BEST EVER in my opinion.

I must have watched that scene about a dozen times. That’s….kind of embarrassing.

Seriously, if Ian Somerhalder were to be cast as Christian Grey I would totally see the movie. I would be front and center on opening night at the theater. And I would probably go ahead and read the other books.

Other than Ian, there are a couple of other actors I would approve for this role, like…..

Ryan Gosling

 

 

I love Ryan Gosling. I will watch anything with him in it. However, what I think I find most attractive about Ryan Gosling is his personality that I think carries over into his acting. I don’t think that his features are classically handsome enough for the role of Christian Grey. He’s not one of those guys I just look at and think, “WOW.” Unless he doesn’t have a shirt on. It took me awhile to really become a fan, for instance: I didn’t find him attractive in The Notebook, even though I loved the movie and his role. I pretty much didn’t find him attractive until Crazy, Stupid, Love. 

Moving on, another acceptable choice would be Chris Hemsworth.

At first when my husband made me watch Thor, I was like “GROAN, I don’t want to watch Thor.” And then when I saw Chris Hemsworth I was like “YES I DO. THOR FOREVER.”

My only concern would be that I think Chris Hemsworth might be a little too macho and manly and RAWRRRR. Christian Grey is supposed to be this preppy billionaire that is on business calls all the time . Can Hemsworth really pull that off? Can he put down his Thor hammer for one of Christian Grey’s linen shirts?

My thought’s on Ana are going to have to wait til another night. That’s going to require some serious consideration.

What do you think, 50 Shades readers? Who would be your pick for these roles?

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Dear Motherhood: Bite Me. And other things.

I keep meaning to post something but for over a week, I haven’t. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say. I’ve got plenty to ramble about, like……

After our beloved fish Sucky Thing died, his pal Stripey Thing went to the giant fish bowl in the sky this week as well. I would say it was because he missed his friend and was lonely and was all “GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD” but that wasn’t it. Bella dumped a whole bottle of fish food in the tank. Farewell Sucky and Stripey.

Speaking of Bella she has been a total handful lately. Every time we go into a store she spots something she wants and will WAIL until she gets it. It doesn’t matter what it is, it doesn’t have to be a toy, she just wants SOMETHING. It’s like “Waaaaaaaah! Toothpaste! Waaaaaaaah! Dryer Sheets! Waaaaaaaah! Ointment!” I try and satisfy her with things I am actually in the store to buy, trying to pass them off as being for her, but she’s on to me. Also, if I hand her one thing, it doesn’t keep her preoccupied for long, she usually chucks it into the cart or the floor and starts wailing for something else. I’ve tried the whole “If you behave and stop yelling, I will get you something.” It doesn’t work. She just yells “No! No!” and tries to escape the cart. It’s pretty much heaven. In the last week I have yanked her out of carts at both Target and Walmart and left the store without making my purchases. That really came back to bite me yesterday when I was out of coffee and could have sworn I had bought some but nope, left it in the cart at Walmart during a tantrum. SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO ME CHILD? YOU ARE DEPRIVING ME OF COFFEE.

She has also started to refuse to brush her teeth and instead runs away, hands clamped tightly over her mouth. I’ve kind of figured this one out by starting to brush mine first in front of her and then she wants to do it, too. Except sometimes she fakes it and just sits there and sucks on the brush. My lectures about how her teeth are going to rot out and then we are going to have to get them all capped don’t phase her. She’s probably thinking, “Whatever, mom, you’ll be stuck with the dentist bill.” And she’s totally right.

Potty training is a total nightmare. I pretty much just let her run around naked all day. It’s the only way she’ll go in the pot. She’s figured out if she doesn’t have anything on “down there” then she will go all over herself. We will work on wearing something and pulling it down later. This method of letting her run around and go on herself means I’m pretty much trapped at home all day which is delightful. She spent most of today yelling “NO PANTIES” at me because I kept trying to get her to put some on so we could work on pulling them down. It was a no go.

Since we are in the house all day and she’s practically naked I pretty much am, too. I kind of just wander around in my underwear and one of Jesus’ t-shirts. This really works out well when people come knocking at my door with Bibles which is like every other day in this neighborhood. Nothing says “Don’t come back”  quite like a screaming woman in her underwear and a naked toddler peeing on the front porch. I’m just kidding. That didn’t happen. Yet. But some people did ring our bell at 9 AM the morning when Jesus was wandering around the house in his boxers and I was trying to get dressed for work and when I answered the door I realized my bra was popping out of the front of my dress. I just left it. Whatever. WHY DO THESE PEOPLE KEEP COMING TO MY DOOR? Why do people think it’s acceptable to disturb folks in their home? This is my sanctuary where I can be myself and sit around in my underwear.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve really got for now. My next post will be about who I think should be cast in the 50 Shades of Grey movie. Even though it’s no secret that the book (I’ve only read the first one) wasn’t anything I really liked or would even really recommend, I still have an opinion because if they are going to do a movie they better cast it right. By which I mean, Christian Grey better be a Mr. Hottie McTrottie Pants.

That is all.

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Locking myself out of the pantry.

Tonight we had some really bad wind and I thought that a tree was going to come through a window. An umbrella on the patio table on our deck got blown into the back yard and across the neighborhood. Hm. Come to think of it I should go out there and see if I can find that thing….

My wreath got blown off the front door and Bella spent a good 20 minutes hiding in corners of the bathroom and shrieking “It scare me! It scare me!” After all that was over we settled down on the couch to watch a movie. I decided I wanted a snack, specifically a Little Debbie Fudge Round and I couldn’t get into the freaking pantry. The door knob to the pantry has been performing poorly these last few weeks. Sometimes it won’t turn and you have to smack it a few times. Sometimes it turns and absolutely nothing happens so you have to just keep standing there turning it and hitting it for like 10 minutes. Tonight though, it took way longer than 10 minutes. I think I have blisters on my hands. The longer it went on, the angrier I got and the more I wanted that freaking Fudge Round. I took a break and sat on the couch and cursed Jesus for a few minutes, because, you know, it’s totally his fault. If he had done his husbandly duty and fixed that door weeks ago I wouldn’t have been fighting with it tonight.

I went back and beat at the door for another 5 minutes or so and it FINALLY opened. What was the first thing I did after I got it open, you ask? Was it get a Fudge Round? Alas, it was not. Instead I got out a screwdriver and took the knob off. HA! TAKE THAT DOOR!

Except…..except…..I left the lock part in there. The lock is still there but there is no knob. AND THEN I CLOSED THE DOOR AND TOTALLY LOCKED MYSELF OUT FOR GOOD.

I tried sticking my finger in the hole to try and get it to open. I cut my finger on some jagged piece of metal and started bleeding. I probably need a tetanus shot now. I tried opening the door with a credit card and a knife. That didn’t work either and I used to be good at that sort of thing. Not because I’m a criminal but because I used to lock myself out of my dorm all the time in college.

Meanwhile I heard my phone going off because Jesus was wanting to know if I had gotten into the pantry yet. See, when I first couldn’t get in and was sitting on the couch cursing him, I texted him about it. He had said things like “Just keep trying, it takes a lot of effort,” or “I know it has been getting bad I’ll replace it tomorrow.” Of course I was all, “TOMORROW DOESN’T HELP ME NOW.” I hadn’t yet told him I had ripped off the entire knob. It was time to break the news.

 

Then he was all “How the hell did that happen?” And you know what? I just had to be honest. “That? Oh, well that happened because I’m actually quite stupid but I think I’m really smart. I’m also impatient and have a touch of spontaneous anger and have a tendency to attack inanimate objects. I also don’t listen. Good luck getting that door open tomorrow. XOXO.”
I feel that the most tragic part of this story is that I never got my freaking Fudge Round.
_____________________________________________________________
UPDATED
_____________________________________________________________
My husband got home around midnight and then he did this.

MY HERO. Now give me a fudge round.

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That kid will probably be a Mean Girl

Today we took Bella to the mall where we stopped at Barnes and Noble first. Bella likes to play with a Lego center they have for kids so it gives her something to do while Jesus and I look at books. There are usually a couple of other kids at the Lego table, usually toddlers like Bella. Today there were older kids, they were siblings, a boy and a girl. The boy was about 10 and the girl was about 5. Bella wandered up and started to play and started trying to interact with the other girl, giving her blocks and trying to help her build a tower. The other girl didn’t like it. And then Bella started jabbering at the other little girl in Spanish, which the little girl obviously didn’t speak or recognize. The little girl turned to her brother and said “She’s weird.” And the brother was like “She isn’t weird. She’s a toddler and she’s just trying to play with you.” And then little girl said, “She looks weird.” And then the brother was like “What have we talked about? Don’t say things like that. It’s rude.”

Of course *I* wanted to go slap that little brat and be like “YOU’RE WEIRD. AND YOUR HAIR LOOKS STUPID.” But that would have been all sorts of inappropriate and I would have been kicked out of the mall. Then I looked at Bella. She had been yanking at her ponytail and it was all lopsided and hanging off the side of her head and she kept screaming “GRACIAS! DE NADA!” at everyone and at that particular moment, she was squatting and doing major business in her diaper. If I were 5, I probably would have said the same thing. So I scooped up Bella and took her to the bathroom for a diaper change and then we migrated our way to the indoor playground where we didn’t encounter anymore judgey kindergartners.

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