Archives for August 2012

Baby proofing improvisation

I ripped the protectors off of our coffee table today. They have been there ever since Bella started walking and slammed into one of the corners and gashed her forehead open. When I say “coffee table corner protectors” I really mean “wadded up tissues and packing tape.”

Fancy, yes?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In our defense, we did buy some kind of plastic/foamy baby proofing things first but they totally sucked. Bella ran into them and still managed to hurt herself and then they kept coming off. So this is what my genius husband came up with. I know it’s a total eye sore but you do what you gotta do to keep you kid from losing an eyeball. I hardly notice them anymore except when Bella picks at one and tears off little pieces of tissue that she leaves lying all over the carpet. That’s what happened to the one in this photo, it used to cover the corner better. Anyway, I decided it was time to take them off because Bella has been walking for over a year and a half now. She doesn’t run into furniture anymore so I think we’re okay.

I spent most of my morning scrubbing the stickiness that the tape left behind off the glass. It’s been a pretty eventful Saturday if you ask me.

 

 

 

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My cats. Urine. Tv shows. My toddler raids the fridge. The title of this post sucks.

This is going to get pretty random. I can tell you that right now because I have absolutely no plan for this post. If this comes to a shock to you, well that shocks ME.

Hmmmm. Let’s see. What have I been up to? Well not much: work, home, dinner, errands, play with toddler, bed, repeat, repeat, repeat. This weekend I’m going rafting again. Hope I don’t die. I hope you hope I don’t die as well.

In between all that craziness I try not to strangle my cats. Kitty, our oldest cat developed this weird black rash on his chin (he’s a mostly white cat). We thought it was the plague but turns out it’s CAT ACNE. What? You didn’t know that exists? Me either.

Our kitten, Waldo, still drives me crazy and I frequently ask myself what the hell we were thinking getting him. His mission in life is to make me miserable. He spills things, keeps me up all night, steals food and acts like a psycho. The other day I wandered into the bathroom and just as I turned on the light there was this loud THUMP THUMP from behind the shower curtain and then he sprang out at me all “MEOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!!!!DGNJKRNGKJRENGKJNRGKJREN!!!!!!!!” And then I peed on myself. Seriously. I was home alone, I had gone to the bathroom with the intention of going tinkle, my bladder control sucks since I gave birth and a cat squealed and sprang out from behind my shower curtain like someone shot him out of a cannon. DON’T JUDGE ME.

Speaking of pee…this is going somewhere I promise….stay with me here…. I started watching “My Strange Addiction” which is CRAZY. I saw the woman that refused to cut her toenails, the girl that ate ashes, the girl that ate tape, the guy that had an intimate relationship with his car, the girl that ate plastic…like the little plastic swords that you spear fruit with. I saw the crazy woman that wouldn’t stop getting larger and larger breast implants. They were double K’s or something and she looked like she belonged in a circus. I wasn’t too phased by all this and was like “This is INTERESTING!” while Jesus sat next to me rolling his eyes.

And then. And then. And then the episode about the woman that drank all her own pee came on. Not only did she drink it, she had started brushing her teeth with it. And using it in her bath water. And RINSING HER EYES WITH IT.

And thats when I was like…I can’t watch this show anymore.

So that was my brief love affair with “My Strange Addiction”.

Speaking of insane tv shows, I watched “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” last night. Here is what I have to say about that:

…………………………

crickets

…………………………

WTF?

And I’m gonna leave it at that. I watched the first episode and then half the one where they adopt the tea cup pig and then I turned it off and watched “Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead” instead because that’s true cinematic entertainment right there. Eh. Whatever.

Lastly and completely unrelated to my cats or urine or tv shows, Bella has been going to bed willingly and it’s wonderful. All I do is tell her it’s story time and she comes running into her room like it’s freaking Christmas. We read like 15 books (I swear the number goes up every night. Luckily they’re all short books and I skip pages sometimes read them thorough all the way to the end every single time.)

When story time is over I kiss her and say goodnight and I love you, she says “Te amo!” and then tells me to “Shut the door” and “Leave light on”. So I do, I leave her alone in her room with her light on and her books. From what I can tell, she spends about 20 or 30 minutes going back through her books, turning pages and reading to herself from memory. Then she passes out, with all the books in the bed. So, I go in there before I retire for the evening and remove all the crap from her bed and turn off the lights.

All that is good and well and adorable. Mornings are a different story. The kid wakes up at the crack of dawn. It used to suck because she would wake up and immediately come to our room and thrust open the door and say “HELLO MOMMY, HELLO DADDY!” But now she gets up and doesn’t wake us up and instead creeps through the house and destroys things. This morning she took all the eggs out of the fridge (which has a lock on it, but she’s figured out how to work it) and placed them on the kitchen table. Some of them fell off and broke. Then she tried to clean up the mess which means she drug out every single dish towel. She isn’t the best cleaner in the world, but at least she tried, that’s what counts.

She also helps herself to anything in that fridge that she wants. One morning I came into the living room to find her sitting on the couch watching “Cars” and eating a bag of mozzarella cheese. Another morning she had a loaf of bread that she got from the pantry. This is getting out of control. I’m going to have to get all new locks for everything. Suggestions welcome.

Alright. I think I’m done with my randomness for the evening. I’m off to watch YouTube videos to bed.

 

 

 

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WAALAA

I keep seeing something floating around on social networking sites. Mainly Pinterest I think. It goes something like this:

“You take the <something something> and then do <something something> and WAALAA!”

What the hell is a “WAALAA?”

Do you mean “VoilĂ ?”

“Waalaa.”

Someone explain this to me.

WAAAAAALAAAAAAA!

<<<Bashes head into wall. Repeatedly.>>>

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