Archives for December 2012

This isn’t a fun post.

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. It’s been a weird few weeks. Christmas has had me busy with parties and gatherings and Secret Santa and shopping and decorating. Then, last week, a dear friend who I love to the moon and back lost her mother, a woman that I had the pleasure of getting to know better than most of my other friend’s mothers. She was woman who was astoundingly entertaining and lively and fantastic in ways I simply cannot capture with words. I won’t go into all the details because it’s not my story to tell, but her loss has inspired me to become an organ donor, something that I, embarrassingly and selfishly, have never given much thought until now.

And we all know what happened last Friday in Newtown. That tragedy pretty much sent me into a depressing state of tears and blubbering for the entire weekend. I don’t have a child in school yet, but she’s almost 3. In 2 years, she will be in kindergarten. I couldn’t imagine sending my bouncing, joyful little love bunny off to kindergarten one December morning only for her to not come home. I couldn’t grasp that. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to think about what those parents were going through, I didn’t want to think about it.

I came home from work that afternoon to hug my baby tighter than I probably ever have. I took her out that night to Target so I could do some Christmas shopping and ended up getting her some popcorn, an Icee, and a Princess Merida doll because I wanted to give her everything. I would have bought the whole store if she had asked because that’s the state of mind I was in.

That night as we read stories before bed, I began to cry. I don’t know why, I wasn’t even thinking about the shooting while I was reading The Grinch Who Stole Christmas but it was in the back of my mind, just lingering, looming, waiting, refusing to go away. I was simply so happy to be with my baby, to be able to tuck her in and read her stories that evening that I was overcome with both happy AND sad tears. I was happy that she was there with me but I was sad to realize that were families out there not able to tuck in their babies, families out there dealing with a complete and total nightmare. I was sad to realize that that could have been me, it could have been anyone, anywhere, at any time. Bella, who will be 3 in February, wiped my tears and said; “Mama sad?” And I said; “Yes baby. Mama is sad. Something happened today that made Mama very sad, but that’s okay. Sometimes you are sad, sometimes Mommy is sad, sometimes we all get a little sad. But Mama is right here, and Mama will always be right here, and Mama loves you very much.”

Bella looked at my face curiously for a moment and then snuggled back into bed, cuddling her stuffed Moose (her favorite lovey) and said; “Alwright, Mommy. Read Night fore Kiss-miss now?” So thats what I did, I read the Night Before Christmas and then a second and a third time because she requested it, and I enjoyed every minute of it. I didn’t wish that she would stop requesting more stories and would just go to sleep already. I just gave thanks that I had the opportunity to read the same stories over and over again and my heart ached for those parents who were robbed of that.

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confessions

The other day, my friend Natalie asked for blogging ideas on Facebook and Twitter. I recommended “confessions” and gave a few ideas of what I would say if I wrote about the topic. Then I decided I should go ahead and post it here instead of on Facebook. So here are my confessions:

I’m a chronic age googler. I am forever seeing someone on tv or in a movie (or just thinking about them randomly) and wondering: “Hmmm, I wonder how old they are?” I don’t know what my obsession with age is. I just like knowing things, I think. Also, when I check their Wiki page for their age, I will usually (99.9% of the time) end up reading everything listed about them. I am a pit of useless knowledge and also kind of a stalker. Meh.

I know Michone is a fan favorite on Walking Dead, but I hate her.

My music taste kind of blows and I really just go with whats catchy. Whatever. I’ll shake it to a Justin Bieber song. Don’t hate. IF I WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND. I don’t know any of the other lyrics. I also thought that was a Justin Timberlake song. Maybe that’s why I was bee bopping to it. I even like a certain Nickelback song. Shhh don’t tell.

I once ate out of the garbage. I made a delicious buttery popcorn snack at work and tossed it in the trash can next to my desk after eating half the bag to you know, cut myself off. But then I changed my mind and dug the bag back out and ate some more. But can I just say that the bag was JUST SITTING THERE on top AND that trash just contains wadded up post it notes? Anyway, in order to cut myself off again I had to take it to the kitchen trash where everyone dumps their stuff. Instead of placing it on top, I made a point to dump it all out, making sure it was all mixed with the nasty week old left overs abandoned by my coworkers. I knew I wouldn’t try to retrieve it again after that. Or I knew that if I did, I would at least be able to recognize that I had a real problem.

That’s all I can think of off the top of my head. But perhaps I will write another post about this at another time, as there is definitely more to tell.

 

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