Archives for March 2013

My neighbors are freaking crazy.

So I have this habit of neighbor watching. It’s not like I’m climbing in yo windows and snatchin’ yo people up or anything. Seriously all I have to do it look around when I pull out of my driveway. Okay. Maybe there is a little more to it than that. MAYBE I peek out of blinds from time to time. Maybe.

Weird neighbor number one obviously had a falling out with their wife or girlfriend or whatever. I don’t know them, all I do is wave when I drive by. Anyway, sometime last summer a bunch of stuff was out on the driveway: clothes, purses, shoes. There was also a bunch of kids toys, dolls, stuffed animals, a toy kitchen. This was strange because they don’t have any kids that I have ever seen and they aren’t old enough to have grandkids, they’re like 30. Anyway, the crap set on the driveway all day and nothing happened, but the woman’s car was never there. Then that night, the husband/boyfriend moved it from the driveway to inside the garage. Then the next morning it was all outside again. I guess she came and got it at some point, the stuff disappeared and I have never seen her or her car again.

Weird neighbor number two was renting the house next door. The owners moved out awhile ago and they have been renting it out ever since. This was a young couple with a newborn baby. Even though they were right next door, I never got to know them. All I know is the husband had a loud ass truck that would wake us up at the crack of dawn. Then one day I came home and all their crap was on the lawn and there was some big sign on the door saying they were being evicted for non payment. Then it started raining on their stuff. Once again, I guess they came and got it at some point cause it disappeared and I have never seen them again. I kind of feel sorry for them. That situation has to suck.

Weird neighbor number three had me entertained for awhile. I kind of knew these people a little, the woman had at least talked to me a few times and I saw her walking her dog a lot. She lived alone for awhile and then some jerk off  boyfriend moved in. He was at least twice her age and had a big gut and would wander outside to sunbathe or mow the lawn in this little tiny Speedo. It was totally disturbing. Then one day last year they had a yard sale and Speedo guy was out there selling stuff but she wasn’t, and then the next day there was a moving truck and then they were gone. For months the house was empty and quiet but people were coming to do the lawn. Then one day I came home and some car was in their driveway and when I parked in my garage, the person in the car got out and came and talked to me. He knew the woman’s name that had lived there and wanted to know where she was. I told him they had moved months ago and he seemed really confused about that, and also a little angry. Then he asked me some more questions about when, and why, and where did they go? I didn’t have the answer to any of that and just said I had seen them have a yard sale and then they were gone and then he asked me if I saw the woman (I’ll call her “Jessica”) at the sale or just the boyfriend (I’ll call him “Bob”). I said I had just seen Bob. Obviously, after that conversation, I figured Bob had murdered Jessica. The next day, investigator/stalker guy was back, sitting in his car outside their house again for hours. And then I was TOTALLY convinced Bob killed Jessica. Then investigator guy disappeared and I have never seen him since. But then people started coming and working on the house, they put on a new roof and put down new carpet and put in new windows. Then they redid the whole landscape in the yard. THEN I was convinced it had been a meth lab and the people were trying to clean it up. In my opinion, all that stuff didn’t need to be changed, the house is like, less than 10 years old and if you ask me, the roof and the windows look exactly like the old ones. Then a realty “for sale” sign went up. Okay…so maybeeeeee not a meth lab. Maybe they were just trying to get it ready to sell. OR, maybe it was a meth lab and in order to get it ready to sell they HAD to redo all that stuff. Then one day there were these two old ladies that came to the house and sat in the driveway in lawn chairs for like, forever. I don’t know what that has to do with anything but it seemed suspicious. I thought maybe they were waiting on a realtor but after a few hours, they put their lawn chairs back in the car and left. THEN ladies and gentleman, a month ago there was a moving truck in the driveway, and would you guess who it was? Why it was Jessica and Bob in all his tan, pot bellied, Speedo glory! I can’t wait til this summer when he gets all oiled up and gets out there with his push mower. Can’t. Wait.

Weird neighbor number four is totally a prostitute. This one isn’t even a neighbor really, I pass her house on one of the roads that I take home. First of all, it’s this little crap house that she doesn’t take care of at all. It could be okay if she did something with it, but I’m sure she’s too busy having sex for money and doing crack. I don’t think she has a car, but hell I can’t tell, there are always a bunch of cars coming and going. Sometimes I see her standing at the end of her driveway like she is waiting on someone to pick her up, and by that I mean one of her “gentleman” callers. She’s always dressed in these weird 80’s leggings and tall boots. She is also about 40 years old but looks a lot older, with stringy hair and droopy skin. I’ve seen cars in her driveway with her hanging in the window all “Hey honey, you looking for a date?” A few weeks ago I was passing by and noticed there were 3 cars in her driveway and that these 3 gents were waiting on her porch, she opened the door and then waved them in all crazy like: “GET IN HERE Y’ALL BEFORE THE COPS SEE YOU.” That’s what it looked like anyway. I don’t know what all that was about. Cough::::gangbang::::cough. Seriously, if that’s what that was I want to vomit.

Anyway, that’s the deal with my neighbors. I seriously DO NOT live in a sketchy area either. I swear. It’s just some little middle class neighborhood, and like less than a mile down the same road are some subdivisions that contain half a million dollar homes. But you never know what is going on with your neighbors y’all. Haven’t you seen Desperate Housewives?

Anyway, now that I’ve posted this, I’m sure all you guys want to move in nearby, because I totally won’t be in your business at all, right?

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If you’re crazy and you know it, clap your hands.

This is a follow up to my last post about gardening. I know you’re excited.

When I got home from work today, I opened the garage, parked my car, and went to the mailbox to get the mail. Then I made my way to the porch where my week old potted flowers are. THEN I proceeded to talk to them. It sounded something like this:

(By the way, this truly is verbatim and not exaggerated at all. I’m totally serious.)

“HELLO BABIES!!!!!!! You are looking lovely today! Who’s hungry? Has daddy watered you?”

And that I heard some rumbling. I looked over to notice that my neighbor was putting garbage in their trash can, maybe about 20 feet away from me. They heard the entire conversation I was having with my flowers. If they didn’t already think I was crazy, they do now. I could tell by their “WTF” face.

After that I hid on my porch until they went away.

I don’t know what my next step is, either hiding forever or embracing it and letting the crazy flag fly. I’m leaning towards the latter.

 

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I HAS A GARDEN. Or at least a few potted flowers on my porch. Either way.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! (That is of course, if I manage to get this posted before midnight. If not- Happy St. Patrick’s Day- yesterday.)

So, how y’all been? Me? I’ve been good. Haven’t been up to much, besides sitting around and waiting on spring. We didn’t have that harsh of a winter, but I don’t care. I still hate winter regardless of how harsh it is. I’m ready for it to be over.

Last weekend the temperature was in the 60’s so Bella and I helped my mom plant some flowers at her house. Then we decided that was such a fabulous idea, we went and got some flowers of our own and planted them in pots on our own front porch. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing, by the way, but I am determined to keep those damn flowers alive. I’m kind of creepy about it. I go out there and move their pots all around to make sure they are getting adequate sunlight, and then I talk to them because I read somewhere that talking to flowers is good for them. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say to them so I just tell them how sexy they look (I heard a dog psychic on TV say that dogs like to hear how attractive they look, so I’m applying that to plants, too. I don’t know what I was doing watching a dog psychic by the way, but at least it wasn’t Jersey Shore, okay?) Anyway, who DOESN’T like to hear that they look good? Uh, nobody. Including plants.

Anyway, so far things are going okay. They’ve stayed alive for a week so that’s good. I figure that I’ve kept  Bella alive for 3 years so I can keep a couple of potted plants alive for a few months.

Speaking of Bella, she may or may not have drunk water out of the aquarium the other day.

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