One Eyed Speedy Gonzales

Several months ago I wound up with a spare cat. He was my neighbor’s outdoor cat that just kind of migrated over to our house. He got an eye injury and I (okay, more like my mom) ended up taking care of it and saving his life.

The cat now has one eye and lives with us. He is not my favorite creature, but we tolerate each other.

His name is Speedy Gonzales, and this is what life with Speedy is like:

The Sunday before last my husband was working and I was trying to get a lot done. I was attempting to clean house, pack up any left over Christmas decorations that I missed in the first go-round, and get the girls ready to get out of the house. I had intentions of taking them somewhere fun, like the Creative Discovery Museum, (spoiler- we didn’t make it) and then to run my usual Sunday errands.

My almost 2 year old, Lottie, was in need of a bath that morning, so I put her in the tub. About 10 minutes into her tubby, she pooped in it. I don’t know what it is with this kid, but this is the third time she has done this recently and I’m totally over it.

I got her out of the tub, got her dressed and plopped her in the living room to play with her sister while I cleaned up her excrement. Mom life is fancy, y’all.

While I was dousing the tub with bleach and boiling water, Speedy the One Eyed Jerk attacked Lottie and she started wailing.  He’s prone to pouncing on her, I think because she’s the smallest and he thinks he can take her in a battle. He can, of course, because all he has to do is look at her and she starts freaking out. I grabbed him to put him outside but he had it in his head that he DID NOT want to go outside, so he latched onto my rib cage with one of his claws. I had to pry him off and ended up wounded and bruised and convinced I would end up with cat scratch fever or some other feline related illness and die.

Later, after the tub was clean and I got the girls dressed, I went out to the garage to clean out my car and start loading it with the things I needed for the day (diaper bag, snacks, jackets, books for Bella to read in the car, etc). While I was loading and unloading the car, Speedy jumped in and pooped on my passenger side floor mat.

There is a litter box in the garage and the garage was also open. He had plenty of other places to go. He went in my car because he was mad at me. The end.

Later (after cleaning up the cat crap AFTER cleaning up the Lottie crap) I got the girls in the car and ready to go. Speedy was sitting on top of my car, right smack in the center of the roof, where I couldn’t reach him with my arms. So I pulled out of the driveway thinking he would hop off when the car started moving.

He didn’t.

I drove round and round the cul-de-sac waiting for him to jump off. Nothing. I finally stopped the car and made Bella take off her one of her boots so I could smack at him and get him off.

When I got home from running errands (and not taking the kids to the Creative Discovery Museum) I let Speedy back inside and this is where he went as soon as he got indoors. My bed.

This mai bed. I rulez this house.

Dis mai bed. I rulez dis house.

So. If anyone is in need of a one eyed black cat, let me know. I can totally hook you up.

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